In a state of panic - turning 50!

Every year around my birthday, as I was turning 30, 35, 40 and so on…I used to think: “it’s just a number, it does not matter…when I turn 50, then I’ll feel old”.



Now that I’m almost there…turning 50 in April, I feel like I’m in panic mode waiting for it to happen.  It’s not as if anything is going to change overnight, I know that, but it somehow feels that way.

Turning 50 is like a new chapter and it seems like I am embarking on the final leg of the journey.  I may seem a bit fatalist but I can’t help but feel this way.  I know I am not alone, I’ve talked to some of my friends, who are also turning the big 50 this year, and it’s a shared sentiment.

In essence, I should be glad, I am turning 50, it means retirement is close at hand, freedom 55 as they say.  But even then, I think it’s the fear of the unknown of what’s to come. 

I saw a post shared by Sue this morning that said “My mind say’s I’m in my twenties but my body says “Yah, you wish!”.  I thought it was quite funny!  But when I stop to think about this, and weight the pros and cons, I’m not sure I would want to be in my twenties again.  It was hard work, raising the kids, the full time job, the financial woes, etc.  50 feels a lot calmer.  It may not be perfect, nothing ever is, but it is still good. 

I am a “poised and mature” woman, or so I like to think.  I have a lot more confidence then I had in my twenties.  I know what I like and don’t like, I now what I want, and don’t want.  I even have enough confidence to voice it out loud, most of the time.  My family seem to want to take care of me more; I am not sure if it’s the age or because they are getting older themselves.  In any case, I’ll gladly take the extra attention.

I also have more experience; I’ve been to the “school of life” as my friend Catherine told me many years ago. Over the years, I mentored some younger colleagues, offered my advice to my friends and family, I know things I don’t know why I know, I just do.  I have a lot of baggage, and I don’t mean bags under my eyes J  My wrinkles or wisdom lines, as I like to call them, are there to stay, so I accept them.

I have “lived” through multiple technology changes (before internet and color tv). I’ve used an IBM typewriter, carbon paper, I listed to a 45 record and 8 track tape, I’ve used a telephone with a rotary dial; I’ve even seen my mom wash clothes using an old washing machine (the manual kind where you see the water and the clothes pass through a ringer) and my family has had milk in a bottle (or or might have been a carton) delivered to my door by the milk man.

For sure, being older has its perks…a while back, someone offered me her seat in the bus.  Although I should have been “insulted”, I still was able to look past the “you look old enough to need a seat” to “there are still some decent people with good manners”.   I remember riding the bus with my mom when I was 5 and giving my seat to a “older” lady.  The reason I do remember is that my mom told my teacher and my teacher gave me a book to reward my good action.

I should be thankful that I am turning 50 as my mom never had the chance; she died when she was 44 years old!  I remember celebrating when I turned 45, thinking how lucky I was!!  I may not have the memory I used to, I may not be in great shape (I have small aches and pains), but I still think that there are good years to come.

I have enough dreams and plans to last me for the next 50 years, maybe not 50 but one can always hope that there will be many yet!  I do look forward to retirement, travel, lots of time at the cottage, me time, even if the unknown is a bit scary to think about.  Maybe that’s what my problem is…thinking to much.  Perhaps, the best way to face turning 50 and the years to come, is to do it the “Que sera sera” way…just let life happen and take everything with a grain of salt.  Not easy for someone like me who is a worry wart.

And since I can’t change the situation or turn back time, I might as well embrace it and hope for the best. 

When April 16^th rolls around, I will get up that morning and say it loud and clear: I am 50 years old and alive.  And I will wear the years proudly!

In the meantime, I am sending my childhood friends, those that are also turning 50 this year, an invitation.  Let’s plan a get together in 2013 to celebrate our mutual milestone.  After all, we do have something to celebrate, its not often you see a bunch of friends who still talk to each other and get together, after all these years. 

 

Until then, I will enjoy the months until I have to blow my 50 candles, or perhaps I should opt for the Over the hill candle instead...it might just do the trick.